Letter 21.

Dear Mr. Trapped,

Your distance travelled was visible in your weathered skin covered with tattoos of where you’re from and a long white beard that reached your belly.  When we got to talking about why you were in the detox unit, I think you were caught off guard when I congratulated you on your 5 months of sobriety despite your recent relapse.  I felt your anger and frustration when you explained how the pandemic affected your disease of addiction.  The inpatient treatment facility that was supposed to “save you”, was the place where you and your roommates were infected with COVID-19.  Like most, as your body battled the virus you couldn’t help but to fear that your death was imminent.  So, when you finally recovered from COVID-19, you said “F*$! it… I quit rehab”.  Frankly I thought your reasons were sensible, but so gut wrenching and I can still hear you saying, “If I’m gonna die, then I’m gonna die… after years of being locked up on the streets, state pen, and rehab… I’m just tired of living a life where I am trapped in some kind of prison with people watching me… I just want to be left alone.”  How could I disagree when I have stood in a 70 square foot cell and witnessed the revolving door that keeps people like you stuck in this system. 

Aware of your circumstances but wishing for something different for you, I naïvely asked, “if you weren’t trapped anymore where would you want to be?” Your response “with my family” revealed something that I think everyone needs to hear and recognize as a missing component of the systems that exist.  In fact, your response made me wish you could talk to the patient that I cared for right before you, who similarly had the disease of addiction, but his story was a little different.  For years he did not actively use IV drugs, but after COVID-19 took three of his family members and his job, he turned to alcohol to ease his pain.  Both of you expressed feeling trapped by circumstances that fuel your illness, and yearn for what I think is the core of humanity—love.  Our loved ones have this powerful way of giving us deep affection, respect, and loyalty that makes you feel all the way seen, right? 

As I left my shift, I was reminded of Maya Angelou’s poem “Caged Bird” and wondered what song you would sing?  In 2021, is it still a song for freedom?  My heart breaks that we’re still trapped in a world where the basic human right of freedom to be (and be loved) is one that we still have to fight for. 

Turning up the volume to your song,

Dr. A